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Q & A

About The Book: A Conversation With William Frank Diedrich

Why do we blame?
It's automatic. Something goes wrong and we automatically look for who or what is at fault. We blame because it seems to offer such great payoff's. I get to be the one who is right. It provides me with drama. It allows me to justify myself. I may be miserable, lonely, angry, and resentful, but at least I know I'm right. Beyond Blaming explains how these payoffs really don't help us get what we want.

How does blaming get in the way of what we want?
It costs time and money. It can lead to violence and destruction. There's a lot of self righteous indignation in the world today. That's why we have events like 9/11 and the war on terrorism. The problem with blaming is that it encourages us to use force to get what we want. Force always creates counterforce. The harder I push on you -- the harder you are going to push back. Blaming is a focus on fear and on the things that we don't want. And when we focus on what we don't want--we end up producing more of it.

Can you give us an example of that? How does blaming create more of what we don't want?
In Beyond Blaming I tell a story from when I was a middle school teacher. My students were very talkative, more so than I thought appropriate. I told them to be quiet. They would become quiet and then gradually resume talking, increasing their volume to previous levels. I would become frustrated, increase my volume, and tell them to be quiet. I found both our volumes to be increasing each day. I was expending a great deal of effort at noise management. I blamed the students. "What is the matter with them?" I asked." I go to all this effort to provide interesting lessons and still they make too much noise."
In blaming the students I had only one option, the use of force. Increasing my volume, punitive measures, and stricter rules were my means. As the problem continued, I found that I was angry and at war with my students. I decided that what I was doing wasn't working. My force would always create counter force. If I were successful in forcing them to be quiet, there would be fear, resentment, and resistance to learning on their part. I recognized the contradiction in my efforts. I was yelling at them to be quiet. Worse, I saw their noise as a negative reflection of my skill as a teacher. My image as a teacher was being threatened. I decided to stop pushing for what I wanted and to start being what I wanted.
The next day I conducted my classes in silence. I used written words and gestures to communicate. The students became quiet. They were waiting for me to speak. They were concerned and a little confused that I wasn't speaking. What I had tried in vain to accomplish through blaming and yelling was easily accomplished through silence. The following day I spoke in a quiet firm voice. I communicated my expectations. I asked them for their expectations, what kind of class they wanted. I stopped worrying about whether or not I was a skilled teacher and began just using my skills. My success came only after I was willing to give up blaming.

Why did you write this book?
Authors should write about topics in which they have expertise. I've spent my whole life blaming, just like almost everyone else. I've seen how much it has prevented me from enjoying life, from achieving goals, and from finding success. As a speaker, coach, and consultant, I've seen how people stifle their own success in their lives and in their organizations because they spend their energy on blaming. I see a world that is filled with people looking for opportunities to be offended and finding them. I see people every day who have untapped potential for great joy and success. For myself, I have enjoyed life, achieved goals, and found success, but I started thinking--how much more would I experience if I just gave up blaming? So I challenged myself to give it up.

Have you given it up?
No, because you can't really give it up completely. What you can do is become aware of when you are doing it and not let it run you. You can keep your focus on what you really want instead of on what you don't want. That is my goal every day--to stay focused on what I really want.

What if someone really does do something bad to us? Do we just say "It's okay." and let it go?
Sometimes we do. If someone cuts me off in traffic I do exactly that. I tell myself it's okay and I let it go. I want to arrive safely and on time to my destination. Getting upset and expressing my anger doesn't help me do that. So, I just breathe and refuse to take it personally.
Every situation is different. The key is that you don't just blame and act from your anger. You learn how to respond. You remember that people are people and you can't forget that. Everyone is not put here to serve me. We are all trying to get our needs met. The best way to get my needs met is to respond to the needs of others. And the most essential need I can meet is to help everyone feel important, respected, and valued. I may not be able to give people what they want, but I can always give them what they need--respect, value, importance.
So whether I like what someone does or not, whether I am expressing my disapproval or approval--I can take a non blaming attitude. I can offer care and concern for the person and speak the truth.

What about child abusers and people who commit violent crimes? Shouldn't we blame them what they have done?
People are accountable for their own acts. We should hold people accountable. There are consequences for hurtful behavior. Moving beyond blaming is not about being nice when others are not nice. You can be tough without resorting to blaming and condemnation.
You can certainly justify blaming in these kinds of situations, but does it help? People who have been victimized need to move beyond being a victim in order to find joy in life. If you were abused as a child do you always want to identify with being abused? Moving beyond blaming in this case means refusing to be a victim of something that happened to you in your past--refusing to give your power to someone who hurt you. You recognize that yes, it happened, but you are no longer identified with it. You have moved on. Being a victim is not the real you. Being abused doesn't change who you really are--a powerful and beautiful being.
If I meet a person who has been abused in some way, I don't see them as a victim. I see them as a powerful being who is moving through this experience. I offer compassion but not pity.

You say that power and passion are unleashed when we give up blaming. Tell us about that.
When we give up blaming we reclaim our power. We are saying to ourselves--"I am responsible. I can respond. It's not about what others think and do. I create my experience." This is very liberating. When we give up blaming we shift our focus from what we don't want to what we do want. We don't want anger, pain, disappointment, and resentment, so why focus on it? Why put all of our energy into it. We need to decide what we really want. Personally, I want joy, prosperity, and extreme well-being. That's what I focus on. Take marriage--you can focus on what you think is wrong with your relationship, with your spouse, with your situation--- and give it all your energy, This just perpetuates more of what you want. You can make a list of everything you think is wrong with your spouse and give it to her. Do you think that will motivate her to be different? Will it make your marriage better?
The alternative is to create your vision for an ideal marriage and focus your thoughts and energy on it. Tell your spouse what you want in a marriage and ask her what she wants. Focus on the feelings you want to experience--peace, joy, connection. Then start being what you want. If you want love, affection, and honesty--start giving them. You have to become what you want.
People tend to focus on what they are getting or not getting out of a relationship or situation. Focus on what you are giving to a situation. If you give joy to a situation--you will receive joy. In your joy, you will offer joy to whoever is with you. This is true of any relationship or situation. This is the message of Beyond Blaming. Move beyond being a victim and all the negative stuff that is holding you back and create joy and appreciation within yourself.

I believe we are all capable of doing this.

Where can people get a copy of Beyond Blaming?
Go to our online catalog or your local bookstore. It sells for $14.